In a learner-led environment, failure isn’t just encouraged—it’s essential. The idea of failing early and often is deeply woven into the fabric of the community, and rather than being feared, failure is celebrated. But why do so many adults—especially parents—struggle with allowing their children to fail?
There are several contributing factors, most of which stem from how we, as adults, were conditioned to perceive failure—whether intentionally or not.
The Negative Conditioning Around Failure
1. The School System’s Influence
Traditional education systems reinforce a negative association with failure. Grading scales and rigid metrics dictate whether a student is “behind” or “on track,” creating unnecessary pressure. A dreaded “F” on a paper isn’t seen as an opportunity for growth—it’s a mark of shame, often followed by punishment or judgment. Instead of viewing mistakes as stepping stones, learners are taught that failure is something to be avoided at all costs.
2. Society’s Expectations & the Culture of Comfort
In a world of participation trophies and rewards for simply showing up, failure is often framed as something to fear. Losing is equated with not being good enough, rather than as an opportunity to improve. And yes, losing does sting—especially for those with competitive personalities—but embracing the lessons within failure is how we cultivate resilience and a true growth mindset. The key isn’t to avoid failure but to reframe it: What can I learn from this?
3. Personal Embarrassment & Fear of Reflection
For many parents, the discomfort surrounding failure may stem from our own upbringing. Many of us were taught that failure was unacceptable, that mistakes were signs of weakness, and that we couldn’t be trusted to learn from them. So, when we see our children struggle, we instinctively step in—often driven by the belief that we need to “save them” from making the same mistakes we did.
But here’s the hard truth: We can’t prevent our children from making mistakes. They will face their own challenges, their own failures, and their own setbacks. And that’s a good thing. Every failure is an opportunity for personal growth—just as much as every success.
The Growth Mindset of Entrepreneurs & Innovators
Ask any entrepreneur, and they’ll tell you that failure is a crucial ingredient in success. The ability to take risks, learn from mistakes, and try again is what separates those who succeed from those who never start. A growth mindset—one that sees failure as data rather than defeat—is what allows people to take bold action when others hesitate.
Developing a Healthy Relationship with Failure
So how can we, as adults, shift our mindset and embrace failure as a tool for growth?
- Surround yourself with growth-minded individuals. Seek out communities that encourage open, honest conversations—especially ones that challenge you.
- Choose environments that celebrate failure. Look for spaces where mistakes are seen as valuable learning experiences rather than setbacks.
- Practice emotional awareness. When you or your child fails, pause before reacting. Let the emotion rise, take a deep breath, and then respond with curiosity.
- Ask growth-focused questions. Instead of judging failure, ask:
- What is this experience teaching me?
- What can I improve, understand better, or do differently next time?
- Celebrate progress. Acknowledge what did go well, even in the face of failure. This small shift builds resilience over time.
At ESTEAM Academy, these principles are at the core of our learner-led philosophy. We encourage learners to take risks, analyze their failures with a diagnostic mindset, and embrace each mistake as an opportunity for deeper learning.
Henry Ford said, “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”
So let’s start celebrating failure—not as an end, but as the beginning of something greater.
Your Challenge:
This week, intentionally reframe one failure—whether it’s yours or your child’s. When a mistake happens, pause before reacting. Instead of frustration or disappointment, ask:
- What did I (or my child) learn from this?
- What small adjustment can we make moving forward?
- What is one thing that went well, even in the failure?
By practicing this simple shift, you’ll begin to transform failure from something to fear into something to embrace—and that’s where real growth happens.
** To further explore the themes of embracing failure and fostering a growth mindset, consider the following recommended readings **
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
In this seminal work, psychologist Carol S. Dweck explores the concept of ‘fixed’ versus ‘growth’ mindsets, illustrating how embracing challenges and learning from failures can lead to success in various aspects of life.
The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph
Drawing from Stoic philosophy, Ryan Holiday demonstrates how obstacles and failures can be transformed into opportunities for growth and success.
Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance
Psychologist Angela Duckworth delves into the importance of perseverance and passion, emphasizing how embracing failure is crucial to achieving long-term goals.
Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success
John C. Maxwell offers insights into how to view failure as a learning experience, providing practical advice on transforming setbacks into progress.
The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed
Jessica Lahey discusses the importance of allowing children to experience failure, highlighting how it fosters independence and resilience.
